


The Greatest Lover in the Empire

by DrusillaStanden



Series: Ain't Nobody Knows Love Like ME! [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Multi, Ship to your heart's content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-27 20:03:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16709122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrusillaStanden/pseuds/DrusillaStanden
Summary: Part 3 of the romance advice series. This is the actual competition and the first volunteers are from the Mighty Nein...





	The Greatest Lover in the Empire

The three rivals sat at separate tables eying each other. Somehow Jester had managed to whip up some decorations and they all had hearts liberally sprinkled on their tables and signs saying ‘Romantic advice – free – results requested.’ Caleb sat next to Fjord and Molly on a nearby table with a pained expression on his face. He was trying to be a good team-player but this barbaric use of his borrowed paper was testing his resolve.

  
Nott fidgeted nervously. She had disguised herself as a halfling but she had to remember to renew the spell every hour and she was worried about forgetting. Beau sat forward in her chair casting looks at the gawping regulars in what could have been an attempt to flirt or a death threat. Jester was busy rearranging her hearts and humming to herself an ancient ballad of lovers’ trysts and, quite frankly, sexy times.

  
Molly drained his glass and stood with a flourish. ‘Good folk of Huperdook! We have here tonight a mighty trial between three of the greatest romantic experts on this side of the empire.’ Caleb and Fjord both looked on, mouths slightly agape. They knew Molly was the consummate showman but he appeared so sincere…it was a mind-bogglingly excellent piece of acting. ‘For one night only,’ he rolled on dramatically, ‘For ONE NIGHT, they are here to offer their services to the people of this town and they seek only one thing in return! They seek not money, not gold, not silver, not even copper, they don’t seek ale, or trinkets or favours… They ask only to know your stories. Did the course of true love run smooth for those who took their words and acted upon them! For each successful piece of advice they each earn a love token and at the end of an hour… we will know who is the greatest lover of all!’ He finished with a flourish, a cocky smile and a raised eyebrow suggesting his own candidature for the last question, and a bow.

  
No-one moved forward. Beau’s voice rang out. ‘Come on guys, let’s get it started! Fjord, Caleb, Molly, choose your poison!’

  
Inevitably it was Molly that stood first, he turned and wiggled his eyebrows at Fjord and Caleb before turning and sitting opposite Nott. Fjord begrudgingly stood and dragged Caleb up with him. He deposited Caleb with Jester and went and sat opposite Beau with the look of a man submitting to torture.

  
‘Well, what advice do you have for me, little one?’ said Molly.

  
‘I don’t have advice if you don’t have a question,’ retorted Nott tersely.

  
Molly smirked. ‘Well, let’s say this. If I knew a person, say, in the manner of a travelling companion…’ Nott’s ears perked up suspiciously under her disguise. The face of the halfling she appeared to be was impassive. ‘And let’s say that I had taken a fancy to that person and that… I’m all about having fun in the moment but they might not be. What do you think I should do?’

  
‘Well,’ said Nott pretending to ponder. ‘Well, if I were you, I would stay away from…this person.' She glared at him before once adopting the tone and manner of an agony aunt. 'Fun in the moment is alright when the moment doesn’t have to last for months of travelling together.’ Her voice was tense, suspicious, defensive.

  
‘But it could be so fun,’ he murmured devilishly.

  
‘Not for anyone else,’ said Nott, fuming. ‘I don’t think Fjord is ever going to recover from your last ‘bit of fun’.’

  
‘Well, perhaps if he’d joined in…’

  
Nott just stared at him.

  
‘Don’t shit where you eat, love,’ he said with a smile, ‘I get it.’ Molly’s face grew serious for a second. ‘You know, I wouldn’t hurt any one of our friends…anyone in this group, anyone,’ he stared intently at her before reaching over to lay a hand on hers. The moment held for a second, before she snatched her hand back and he rose with a bound. ‘Superlative advice from this one. Narrowly avoided a disaster!’ he called out.

  
The second visitor wasn’t so long in sitting down…  
 

 

  
Jester and Caleb had sat in silence for a minute of so.

  
‘Um, Caleb, do you have a question because, technically, you’re meant to ask me a question, technically.’

  
‘Um…ja, I do not have a question.’

  
‘Perhaps I should ask you a question.’

  
‘Do you want advice from me?’

  
‘No! But you have to ask something so I will ask questions until you think of a question! Ok?’

  
‘Well, there is not a lot of choice right now but I do not like talking about this, Jester.’

  
‘Don’t be such a sourpuss! So, Caleb…do you like anyone in the group.’

  
He just stared at her.

  
‘Come ooonnnn, Caleb!’

  
‘Of course, I like many people in the group.’

  
‘Many people! Wait, do you mean like friends?’

  
‘Of course. This is what ‘like’ means, ja?’

  
‘Caleb,’ she said threateningly.

  
‘Jester,’ he replied in the same tone with a slight smile.

  
‘I’m going to say all the names and something about them and I’m going to see when you blush! Ha, ha, you can’t escape me!’

  
‘Oh Gods…Jester, leave…’

  
‘Beau is a good friend. You’re blushing Caleb!’

  
He couldn’t tell if he was blushing but the embarrassment of the whole thing was making his face tighten and feel like a broiled tomato…so probably. Jester leaned forward and took his hands, ‘Do you like Beau, Caleb, because…she doesn’t like guys.’

  
‘I am aware. Beau is my friend. I think.’

  
‘Yeah…. Um, Molly is kind… you’re still blushing, I guess you like everyone, just like you said! Fjord is’

  
Caleb interrupted her, ‘Dreamy’.

  
‘What?’ said Jester and pulled back. Caleb coughed out a laugh. ‘Kiri has been saying it all afternoon, it was hard not to hear it. And I’m sure she was talking about F..oscar.’ He wiggled his eyebrows.  
‘Caleb!’ said Jester, her face shocked. ‘I didn’t know that you could be so…silly!’

  
‘Ja, I am not often silly. You are a bad influence.’

  
Jester laughed delightedly before ploughing on with the interrogation. ‘Ok, Yasha is big. I mean I know that’s not very descriptive. She’s also strong and awkward, like you… I can’t tell if you’re getting redder or less red. Anyway, Nott. She’s brave! And she’s one half of the best detective duo in the world.’ Caleb felt like his face might explode. Would this ever end? He'd thought he might be able to flip the script with Fjord but Jester was like a bloodhound. She was going to have her question whether he wanted to give her one or not.

  
‘Nott is my best friend, Jester.’

  
‘I know, Caleb.’

  
It turned out he did have a question and it escaped him before he could stop it. ‘So, my question is, what will I do when she leaves?’

  
Jester’s face fell. ‘Oh Caleb, don’t say that. Why would that happen? Nott isn't leaving us.’

  
‘Ja, you are right. Now she is not leaving. But,' he paused, attempting to put it into words. 'This game we're playing...I think that you all want love and you deserve it. You are all… good. Not perfect,' he smiled, 'but good. I am not good. I am an asshole... Not like the rest of your Jester. Worse. Nott is sat here talking of love and one day she will want love too for herself and I will want her to have it. And then… what will I do?’ His voice had grown serious and strained. This was a question that he had fought off too many times, it'd had to come out...as insistent as Jester herself.

  
‘I don’t know, Caleb, but you'd survive. You'd miss her, I'd miss her, but you'd survive. And we’ll be here. The Mighty Nein! You will not get rid of us so easily.’

  
Caleb smiled tightly. ‘No, I see that. Can I go now, Jester? I have asked your question.’

  
‘Yes, of course, Caleb,’ she said brightly, but when he walked away, she watched him with sad eyes before glancing across at Nott. 'I don't think she's leaving,' she whispered under her breath before turning to the enthusiastic and blushing gnome in front of her with a smile.

 

  
   
‘Fjord, my man, coming to me with your relationship needs. All your little love quandaries answered. Seduction tips. How to lose your virginity…’

  
‘Uurgh, shut up, Beau!’

  
‘I am the love guru, paid to talk of romance… I have to talk.’

  
‘Oh Gods. And, just for the record, there's is no chance I'm paying you. Well, what do I have to do to escape from you? And just for the record, I’m not a virgin.’

  
‘Wouldn’t matter if you were, man, a blanker canvas for my master hand to write on.’

  
Fjord just rolled his eyes and groaned.

  
‘Ask me a question, I’ll answer. All your relationship woes will disappear!’

  
‘I don’t have any relationships.’

  
‘You don’t have a relationship.’

  
‘Exactly.’

  
‘Well, there’s your woe, bud. When was the last time you…’ she wiggled her eyebrows frenetically.

  
‘None of your business!’

  
‘Might explain why you’re so tense.’

  
Fjord was a shade of crimson Beau hadn’t even thought him capable of. ‘Oh Gods, when will this torture end.’

  
‘When you ask me a question.’

  
‘How do you get your friend to stop tormenting you with talk about ‘relationships.’

  
‘Oh, that’s easy!’ Fjord’s face brightened. Beau leaned in, gestured for him to come closer. He lowered his head. ‘Get a new friend! Boop!’ she flicked the end of his nose and broke into uproarious laughter. Fjord narrowed his eyes.

  
‘Well, thank you for the answer.' He raised his voice slightly and turned to face the curious watchers. 'Worst advice in the world right here, guys!’ he said, standing and turning away.

  
‘Hey, no fair,’ shouted Beau. He flipped her off as he walked away.

  
To her surprise, his seat was filled instantly by a plump halfling with glint in her eye and Beau thought the evening might not be quite the waste it had seemed.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm open to comments. I'm a bit stuck but I might continue if I get some inspiration


End file.
